Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold!!

My first Kitchen job was in St. Paul. That year's winter was particularly Minnesotan. It didn't get above zero for much of the month of January. The kitchen that I worked in had a Sous Chef that was a bit of a prankster, so one day I came into work to find that he had put my work boots into a five gallon bucket full of water and put them in the deep freeze over night. I had to spend the whole ten hour shift in my winter boots, much like that those unfortunate days in elementary school when you forget your tennis shoes in winter... I vowed revenge.

The following Friday was a busy day, it was a banquet for 300+ people and it was going to be a 11-13 hour shift. We showed up at 9am and started prepping. Within fifteen minutes I found my opportunity. The Sous Chef had left his pants sitting in the Chef's office after he changed his clothes. I grabbed a full garbage can and the pants and headed down to the basement under the auspices of emptying the trash. He had parked just outside of the back door of the building, perfect. I thoroughly soaked his pants in the mop sink and perfectly placed them across the windshield of his truck. Then I threw a five gallon bucket of water over the pants. I managed to make it outside every hour and a half or so for the rest of the day. Keep in mind the high that day was somewhere around 12 below.

When the party was over, and we had cleaned the kitchen our beloved Sous Chef came out of the office in a rage demanding that whoever had taken his pants return them. I kept a straight face and denied everything. The next day when we got to work he came storming straight up to me. Apparently it took him two hours to get out of the parking lot the night before. His pants were encased underneath 3/4 of an inch of ice. He broke two ice scrapers trying to remove them from his windshield. He never touched my boots again.

March 14 Brewer's Dinner!!

Hello Sinners and Malcontents!

The Restaurant where I currently sling hash had itself a Beer Dinner this last Sunday. We are a small brew pub (The Bitter Root Brewery) and we did a five course Beer pairing menu for twenty-five lucky fuckers. The project was spearheaded by the lovely Dan Dean our kitchen manager and leader guy with yours truly filling in with ideas, smart ass remarks, mad cooking skills, general Tom Foolery and overall chicanery. Here's the Menu:

First Course

Blackened Scallops

Roasted Green Chili-Corn Puree

Preserved Lime

"Beer" Blanc

Fresh Herbs

Pairing: Nut Brown Ale

Second Course

Seared Pork Tenderloin

Charred Radicchio

Apple Cider Reduction

Gorgonzola

Pairing: Collabeeration Porter

Third Course

Root Vegetable Gratin

Buttermilk - Cauliflower Sauce

Crumbled Goat Cheese

Pairing: I.P.A.

Intermezzo

Malted Parsnip Sorbet, Candied Ginger

Fourth Course

4 - way Duck Cassoulet

Chanterelle Mushrooms

Buttered Rye Toast

Pairing: Imperial Red

Fifth Course

Sweet Potato Beignet

Orange Peel Ice Cream

Molasses Caramel

Pairing: Belgian Honey Trippel

If you want the low down on the flavors, execution blah, blah, blah; you should check out the post by The Grizzly Growler, as well as this article by the Ravalli Republic.

That's it for now. Another story soon, this one involves revenge!!

Apple Stuffed Blackened Pork Chops

Instead of a anecdote, this time around I thought I'd try something a little different, a recipe!! This is one of my favorites. I've done it with blackened pork chops this time around, I've also done it with a light brushing of molasses on the chops, a solid sprinkle of jerk seasoning and then roasting them in the oven. Leah likes that way better, but this is the way I took pictures of so that's what you're going to get!

Start off with a plate of pork chops.

You're going to need a pocket in the side opposite of the bone. This is made by taking a really sharp knife and making a deep slice right in the middle of the chop, like so:

Then we make the filling. Use 2 cups of small diced tart green apples, 2 Tablespoons of minced fresh ginger, 3 medium cloves of garlic and a pinch of salt and pepper. Mix this thoroughly in a bowl with 1 Tablespoon of molasses. It will look something like this:

Now take a spoon and stuff as much of the apple mixture into the pork chops as you can.

Next is time for the blackening. First off get a pan, preferably cast iron and heat it until it is SMOKING HOT! While you're waiting, take a plate and place a good amount of blackening spice on it. You can find blackening spice at most grocery stores. Dredge both sides of the stuffed pork chops in the spice, like so:

Once the pan is hot, place the dredged pork chop in the hot pan. Do Not Use Oil! If the pan is hot enough, you won't need it and it will only increase your chances of fire. Either way, the chops will soon look like this:

After there is good color on both sides of the chops, place them in a 350 degree oven to finish. I like to eat these beauties with corn bread and cooked greens.

The important thing to remember is this dish will impress anyone, so use it when you have guest with highly informed palates and fine epicurean sensibilities.

Ok, the corndogs will wait..... I remember Axel's wife....

Yeah, I remember working the line with Axel and hearing the never-ending complexities of maintaining two situations at the same time. I always wondered why someone would choose two equally...uh..hardened women to contend with. I suppose 'to ask the question is to know the answer'. I mean, he couldn't give me a good answer, so I just presume that some people like it special. Or something like that.
Mostly, I just prefer to observe such intensity from afar. Axel had a way of roping you into it though...
As I recall it, he might have left me with some 'prepping' as it were. Probably something along the lines of "..so if she calls, you tell her I was here until ten-thirty", or something like that. Hard to remember the fine details with the passage of years and all. Mostly, I recall a sense of foreboding when the phone in the kitchen rang in the later hours of the evening.
On this occasion, however, I felt I was mostly safe, having had changed my hours by taking up the baking position at the hotel, chances were pretty good that I'd either not hear the phone, or I presumed that the eleven-thirty hour was sufficiently late to safely answer the phone, free from having to be at the ready with rehearsed explanations, etc. How wrong I was.
First thing she did was get my name. I attempted to feign complete ignorance by offering up some kind of "...Uh..I'm just the night cleaner ma'am....Uh...no, I uh, yeah I think i saw him when I was punching in and...uh...no I guess that was at ten and uh.." etc.. All too obvious in the face of a Professional interrogator, one got the feeling, no, the absolute certainty, that all lies were seen through, and perhaps somehow confirmed further heretofore unknown offenses, both of the party inquired after, as well as the self. Sweating and shaken by the end of the conversation, after I hung up I realized that she had succeeded in extracting any and all knowledge pertinent to Axel's alleged 'work' day out of me. The lies and the truths spinning through my head,I vowed then to not answer the kitchen phone at any hour prior to 3 a.m..
The next day I see Axel- "so she got to you, huh, Jesus?"
I'm like "fuck that Axel, I am never answering the phone again"
He says, "yeah she's like a drill sergeant, huh? She'll get it all out of you" "never answering again.." "Oh yeah, well that's all alright, but I should let you know that,now, she knows who you are, so you gonna have to watch out for her coming round here looking for y'all, now."
I reviewed in my head the several emergency exits in the building....

Philandering, Cigarettes and Laser Pointers

This one's for my lovely wife, Leah, in honor of her birthday!

Let me tell you a story of one of the more...colorful co-workers I've ever had. We'll call him Axel. Now Axel was a self-described pimp. He was always chasing tail, and always heading back to the various apartments of what he would lovingly refer to as 'hot-ass pigeons'. He was also frequently showing up to work covered in bruises and minor cuts. Apparently, his long term, live in girlfriend/mother of his kids had other ideas of Axel's extra cirricular activities. Apparently, she also had a temper. Rest assured, however, Axel was sure that he could handle anything that woman could dish out.

One night after a busy rush, the line stepped outside for a smoke break. It was about 10 pm and we were all tired. We had sent someone out to get some beer and we were enjoying a well deserved respite from the day. Of course the smack talking soon started, insults hurled to and fro as we all re-lived the night's rush in full detail. All of a sudden, I noticed a tiny red dot appeared on one of the crew and began to slowly jump from one of us to another. We began to yell and mock what was obviously some jack-off kid with a laser pointer. That's when the dot hit Axel. It hovered on his chest doing a slow circle then moving up very slowly to his head, and back down to his crotch. Axel lost it. He screamed like a woman and dove behind some empty boxes yelling at the top of his lungs: 'Get down! Get Down you stupid mother-fuckers! IT'S HER, IT'S HER!' We were all laughing hysterically as we watched Axel do the sloppiest belly-crawly back into the kitchen. We followed him inside to find him crouched behind the line sweating profusely. Turns out, Axel's girlfriend was tired of his running around. Turns out he met his girlfriend shortly after she left the army. Turns out she had sniper training. He Had Been Warned!

Geez,roach. Straight into the gutter with the first post. Not to say I'm surprised tho... or free from desire to encourage.I've been wasting time attempting (so far in vain,)to get at an alleged photo of someone who may or may not be a former employer of yours in similar feigned pig-coupling..
The funny thing is, H, who witnessed the, uh, display,in her retelling it to me, remarked upon how red he got,presumably from embarrassment at her catching him with the pig in (mock) 'flagrante delicto' with her phone camera.
But you know, I mean if you think about it, it seems strange to evince such.. drastic embarrassment over such things. Like if your willing to act in such manner in front of the immediate audience, what's the difference, right? I'm not saying that a flushed appearance could in any way be interpreted as a sign of enjoyment, or is in anyway suggestive of notions that should only be spoken of publicly in hushed tones, away from the ears of the innocent and young. *ahem*
Oh! That reminds me. my next post is about corn dogs!

Coitus Interruptus

December, 1999 I was working in a now defunct restaurant in downtown Minneapolis. The chef and the owner decided to pull out all the stops for the New Year's Eve celebration, Prix Fixe Menu complete with an additional carving station of whole roast goose and suckling pig. The pigs came in three days before the big night and sat in our meat cooler awaiting their big date with the rotisserie. the day before, or New Year's Eve Eve, the Sous Chef and I were doing the orders for the next day and heading into the meat walk in to triple check our meat supplies. We opened up the door and there was our chef. He had one of the pigs standing up on all fours on the shelf in front of him, his apron thrown over his shoulders, and his pants around his ankles thrusting wildly. He cast a wild-eyed look at us over his shoulder and without losing his rhythm for a second screamed: "Don't Look At Me, I'm Hideous!"